August 12, 2013
Camino de Santiago: 20 days away. My big brother just got back from an adventure to a local Ashram, a learning experience I’m sure. He’ll tell you all about it here: https://medium.com/p/44374bca7724 . It isn’t possible to visit something like that and not have your eyes opened to the vast possibilities and beliefs of the world. The country that we live in, isnt the only one out there and in fact, our beliefs are all quite new in the scheme of world ventures. I feel that that experience would be a sort of cleansing and invigorating start to dropping our lives for a while to go hike 850 km across Spain. A way to dis-attach. Each one of us views and expects different things from the world. What do you want from it? The older I get, the more I realize that what I want from the world is often completely different from everyone else, I expect more… and somehow believe I will get it. I also seem to want to grasp the world with both hands, stare it in the eyes and soak in its differences, its geography and cultures and people. I want to experience it all.
Clear blue skies in Fort Collins today, I was enjoying the beauty of Fort Collins again at our local Drive-In at the foot of the Rockies. Fort Collins has a quite the culture, the beer, the bikes, the people of Fort Collins are amazing. A soft breeze and mountain air are seeping through my window and tickling my nose at 7am. Today marked the first goodbye of this long journey of mine. Not knowing where I will be returning to after the Camino is over, it’s an odd goodbye. A goodbye when you never know when you will see someone again. It’s a strange sensation, its not a closure, its perhaps… an ellipsis! You kiss them hard and go, close the door and feel the nostalgia in the wonderful times that you had. It will be a weeklong slew of goodbyes. I’m not good at goodbyes. Its not always the best way to deal with it, but I often don’t do them at all. I just disappear, as if it were no big deal I was leaving, and assume they should know I’ll be back soon. Most of my friends are used to it by now, anyway.
Many of my things are still packed from the first time I moved this summer. Luckily, with each move I have I find myself with less and less. It’s all sitting in a pile of boxes in a storage room, waiting to be shipped off somewhere, again. It’s used to it, too. I’m used to my life in boxes these days, if you haven’t noticed. Its turned into a collection of knick-knacks that remind me of my travels, my childhood, I have a whole box full of leftover things from High School, letters, a scrapbook, and all my yearbooks. I’ve been lugging it around the past 8 years since I moved away from home. I guess I took them as comforting things, and they helped. But I don’t need them with me anymore. Another box is full of all the things I have accumulated in my various desk drawers from the dorms, to houses, to Europe and from borrowed desks. The little things you cant quite get rid of; favorite concert tickets, postcards, phone numbers written on lined paper, birthday cards. Another is full of graduate school notebooks and books, and my entire collection of grammar books that taught me German. I still have it all.
My body is tense, I felt sick yesterday. It’s hard to listen to your body sometimes when in such a whirlwind of emotion and change. Your body, just like the poor dog, doesn’t know what is going on or what to expect so it reacts in various ways, curling up in a corner, trying to hide in a suitcase, big puppy dog eye stares at you for minutes at a time, random midnight puking. I have the worst tension in my neck and my lymph nodes hate me. “Its just your body’s way of dealing with the change” said a wise friend of mine. It’s the excitement building, and I live for this feeling. I spent a long day with another good friend on Friday having great chats and getting great advice on life. It’s important to have old friends around, ones that know you well, sometimes when you forget yourself. The ones who know what you are thinking even if you are saying something else, they often know you when you don’t know yourself, the ones you’ve had huge fights with, and are better friends now because of them. “Don’t forget to keep your feet grounded” she said. I think I get so wrapped up in situations and emotions that my energy radiates up into my shoulders and before long I’m walking around with my shoulders hunched up to my ears with tension. “Follow the little hints and clues” she told me, about knowing to do the right thing. We can learn a lot by the little things happening around us, if we are only in tune enough with it to listen. If you are in tune with these and the world around you, you will know the right answer. Perhaps we always know the answer; we just don’t always know how to act on it. Sort of like listening to the bees around the world telling us that something has got to change. But there are subtle clues in life that lead us down the right paths, if we only listen. Bees are quiet subtle creatures, they’ve been telling us for years now what huge countries and powerful people are just beginning to act upon. We have to be open to their slight tugging, doors open and close all around us, opportunities arise and are missed. But what would have happened if we had taken that path instead? Perhaps we just weren’t meant to.
Thinking about the coming weeks surges the butterflies bubbling up in my stomach. Those familiar nerves, the anxiety of my travels. I thrive on that feeling. Normalcy scares me.
Oh, my God, I feel it in the air
Telephone wires above are sizzling like a snare
Honey, I’m on fire, I feel it everywhere
Nothing scares me anymore
Kiss me hard before you go
I just wanted you to know
That, baby, you’re the best
~Lana del Ray